Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Mistah Unknown

Night Shift:"Your patient in room 3 is Mister Unknown...pronounced "Unknown""

Alpine: "Um...wait...why doesn't he have a name? Isn't he conscious? Don't we ASK them when they regain consciousness what their names are?"

Night Shift: "Well...yes...but...:sighs: read his chart. He refuses to tell us. Trust me, Alpine, you're going to LOVE this one!"

Alpine: "okaaaaaaay"

So I sat down and read his chart. Mr. Unknown ("Unk" to his friends) is 19ish. As teenage males are wont to do, he gets drunk...and high...and then steals a car...but since this is the rather sparsely populated Frozen Northlands, the cops don't have much to do some evenings. So they chased him. He, naturally, failed to make good his escape. He had LOTSA injuries. A Random Sampling: two collapsed lungs (yeah, that's both of em), bruised spleen, lacerated liver, lacerated kidneys, perforated bowel, and broken leg. He fled the scene on foot, naturally.

So I'm, like, in AWE of this dood- i mean, you have to be at least MODERATELY badass to flee the cops with all your internal organs misbehaving, and a broken leg. But apparently he used up ALL his badassery. Cause in I walk:

Alpine:"Goodmorning Mr Unknown! I'm Alpine, and I'll be your nurse today!"

Mistah Unknown: "fuck you bitch! let me sleep! And give me some pain med'cine!"

Alpine: oh HELL no...he did NOT just say that! "Mr. do not get to speak to the nursing staff like that...if you find your care here to be inadequate, I'll be more than happy to arrange you to be transferred...TO PEDIATRICS!"

Mistah Unknown: "sorry miss...i wont do it again!" (he didnt...btw)

Alpine: "So...would you mind telling me your last name? It's going to be extremely odd calling you 'Mister Unknown' all day..."

Mistah Unknown: "HELL NO! This way the cops wont find me!"

I didn't have the heart to point out to him that he listed BOTH HIS PARENTS as his emergency contacts. With, naturally, their first and last names. I just smiled and went about my day. He spent the whole day asking us to dial outside numbers for him so he could speak to his "friends and his girl"...and then getting pissed and hanging up on them...then immediately ringing the call bell for us to call them back "so they can apologize to him"...seriously, the guy was acting like he was 7!

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