A Guide for College Drunks

Hi, drunk college students! In the interests of making all our lives easier, here's a little advice:

1. When you decide to go out in the middle of the week, go EARLY in the evening, so that you can get wasted, stumble back onto campus, get picked up by public safety and taken to the hospital in time for the rest of us to get some sleep.

2. If an EMT tells your slightly LESS drunk friend to "please just stand over there and put on a coat, it's freezing", cussing the EMT out and muttering snarky things under your breath will NOT endear you to either Public Safety officers, or the other EMTs. Hint: either you dont mutter as quietly as you think, or you might want to remember that when you're drunk, you tend to lose inhibitions. I hope you enjoy the 500 dollar fine.

3. If you're going to lie and give us the birthdate from your fake ID, show a little spine and give your fake AGE too. If you give us a REAL under-age age, and a FAKE birthday, a little simple math makes you look even MORE like an idiot.

4. I know it's a cliche that you should wear clean underwear in case you get into an accident, but really, EMTs dont WANT to look at your underwear, so a skirt that is wider than your average belt would be great

5. If you're worried about a friend who cant hold their liquor, don't worry. We WILL come out and get you in the middle of the night, and do whatever it takes to keep them safe. Just...try not to let it get that bad. You guys might swear at us, and hate us, and think we're all out to get you busted, but really, we just want to make sure that all of you who go to bed get to wake up tomorrow, hangovers and all.